The weak

I learned today how truly weak I really am.  My MDS has advanced slightly and I am now scheduled for a transplant (God willing) later this year.  I was diagnosed in June 2015 and since then it has been nothing but one big cluster fuc*.  It's been one of those "whatever can go wrong, will" kinda deals and my husband has been there through all of it.

I'm one of those people who never cries.  I just don't like crying--and I don't like people who cry either.  Yet I have cried more in the last 7 months than I have in the past 45 years!  My husband has comforted me every time we got another piece of bad news or when I've simply erupted in a hail of lava tears that I just could not seem to stop.  There were times I've cried non-stop for 2 hours!  And I'm never ready for it, you know?  It just . . .happens.  And my strong husband is still right there, holding me, wiping my tears away.

My husband is a strong and gentle man.  Since I've known my husband he has lost his grandmother, both of his parents, his cousin (who may as well have been his brother since they grew up in the same household) and numerous aunts and uncles.  Yet, he never really cried about any of it--at least not that I know of.

Today we had to put our cat, Charlie, to sleep.  Me and my younger son were pretty much out of control crying.  Our 18 year old shed a modest tear or two and my husband held us all together...as usual.  Yet when we got in the car with our empty cat carrier, minus another member of our family, I saw the tears dropping as my husband continued driving and staring straight ahead.

My heart stumbled in my chest and my whole body hurt.  And my soul hurt too.  All I could think of was how to stop it.  Can I buy him something or give him something or somehow turn this shit off please?!!  That's when I realized my weakness.  I don't think I could ever hold him together the way he does with me.  Seeing my husband cry puts me in a panic; undoes me completely.  I am just not equipped to handle the feeling that come crashing down on me when I see my husband cry so I focus solely on how to make it stop.  I came up with all of us going to Coldstone.  Eating has always been my vice so it was a natural default for me.  And who can cry while eating ice cream?

So today my utter weakness became apparent, but what really mystifies me is how has my husband been able to endure so much loss and sadness and all of my tears without breaking?  God must had mapped out a plan in advance.  If someone had to get cancer in our family, who should it be?  The younger one already has Type1 diabetes so that would be sucky.  What about our 18-year old?  Well he already has multiple challenges and would not be able to manage it.  So it's down to me and my husband.  God knew I was the weak one (despite the fact that I've always worn the "strong one" t-shirt) He knew that if the tables were turned and my husband was the one with the cancer, I could never hold our family together.  Because my husband is my weakness.

--and my greatest source of strength.



RIP Charlie Simpson - 2016.