I'm Fine.

It's the week after my first round of Vidaza and I feel like shit.  It's kind of an all over sense of malaise. None of me feels good.  All I do everyday is sit in the den watching the Food Network and alternately freezing my ass off and staving off spontaneous combustion (these can't be hot flashes!). I've had hot flashes or "hot waves" as my younger son used to call them and they were hot but not like this.  Cancer seems to be the spice of life; it seasons everything making everything you've ever experienced so much more intense. . .and NOT in a good way!

I baked a cake yesterday.  15 minutes in I was out of breath and needed to rest my elbows on the counter.  Eventually, I finished the cake and that was the extent of my accomplishment for the day. Today's goal is to try to drink 2 Gatorades and a couple of bottles of water to keep myself hydrated in order to combat this pervasive light-headedness.  SRSLY???  That's the only goal?...um yeah, pretty much.  Look, I know I need to accept the way things are.  Accept, accept, accept!  I'm trying, but I can't.  I am so frustrated that just the idea of having to get up and go upstairs to pee seems almost as exhausting as doing it.  

And yes I cry.  Mostly out of frustration.  All of this constant laying around has turned my sofa into a fucking force field of  crackling static that makes me want to kill myself; not to mention the large cavity that has been carved into the cushions in the shape of my body.  I almost have to lay down because as soon as you sit, you are rolled toward the back of the sofa and into the cavity.

I have laundry to do.  I need to cook.  I want to sit at the dining room table to harass...er, um, I mean help my son with his homework.  I want to go to the mall.  I want to go out to lunch with my husband.  I want my cellphone to stop going off every four hours reminding me to take medication.

But I haven't lost my hair yet and I still wake up every morning.  I'm not transfusion-dependent and I have a wonderfully supportive husband and family so I guess that means...

I'm fine.