My cousin fought so hard but cancer finally took him. I had heard over the past couple of years that he had cancer but it didn't become real to me until I got cancer too. I reached out to this cousin whom I hadn't spoken to in over twenty years and he held his hand out to me and took my hand in his. I was so afraid. When things began to go very badly for me, Jason was there. I sent him pictures of my disfigured legs and he wrote " Damn girl, what are you doing to yourself!". And he sent me pictures of his dog, Lilly. When I had many first platelet transfusion, I sent him a picture of my treatment chair and told him it reclines. He sent me a picture of his chair and told me its heated and vibrates AND reclines. I wrote back "You're always trying to one up me!" We laughed about stuff other people would find ghastly but this was our reality. We also cursed alot because he was pissed off and so was I. One day after I had sent him a particularly heated angry email about my own cancer and then I apologized and he wrote back, "No, I like when you do that. Makes me feel like I'm not alone." It was good to have a friend who could understand how a comment like "Hope you get well soon" or "Enjoy your life" could send us reeling into this angry abyss. He complained about how sick he always feels and how he is able to actually taste his chemo and I complained about my rash which had swollen my body to almost twice its size and left one eye closed. And we felt better. There was no guilt that we were bringing our family and friends down because we were comrads. Having each other helped us to be able to tell our family and friends we were "fine". Jason adored his sister Rise Suazo. And his mom too. They were the only reason he was holding on. The only reason he even bothered. The one time I recall hearing hope in his voice was the day he found out that his tumor had shrunk from 8m to 4m! He was trying so hard not to be hopeful, but he was. And then there was the surgery. It looked like they had gotten all of the cancer but he'd have to wait for the results. I was due for another biopsy and would also have to wait for the results. We waited together. On January 18th I sent him pics of my hospital room, IV and my feet which were covered in yellow hospital socks. He sent me pics of his hospital room and IV and said his hospital socks were gray. "Always trying to one up me!" He laughed but he was in pain. ALOT of pain. We both agreed morphine is certainly not the be all end all. Jason said his liver was blocked. He hoped the cancer hadn't come back. It had only been a month! On January 26th he wrote, "It's not looking good for me girl." I think he was positively heart broken, but a part of him felt relief too. He was always brave though. And he helped me to be brave too. Though he thought I gave him something, he gave me so much more. I am happy for him and I hope he is chunky and licking ice cream with a full head of hair and talking his ass off up there in heaven. And I hope he is watching me because I feel so alone. I'm going to miss him so much. So very much.
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